It
has been a tough week. What are we
to do when our dreams are squelched and our heart’s deepest desires left
unfulfilled? Life doesn’t always hand us what we want . . . and we are left
wanting and grieving.
God
graciously granted us a child in 2008 after years of trying to conceive and
five rounds of fertility treatments.
Connor brings great joy into our lives so I don’t mean to minimize the
gift he is by sharing our recent struggles; however, we wanted another
child. I had vivid dreams about
positive pregnancy tests and nursing my newborn in the hospital, but now after
five more fertility treatments and a miscarriage, we are heartbroken. Hundreds of shots and thousands of
dollars later, still no baby.
Since
the fertility treatments didn’t work this time, I found myself questioning
whether we were ever supposed to pursue the additional treatments . . . but then I
remember that we were led by peace.
Bob and I took our time praying about things before ever stepping out;
after all, we didn’t want to birth an Ishmael on our own instead of waiting for
God to give us an Isaac. Maybe we
got it wrong, but I rather believe there was another purpose for us traveling
this road. So what is God trying to
teach us from all this? I certainly
don’t want to go through this in vain – I want to come out of this a different
person . . . better for having gone through it. Scripture states, “What Satan meant for harm, God meant for
good.” If I really believe God’s Word
then I can rest in knowing even life’s disappointments will turn out for my
good, much like God creating a diamond from a lump of coal.
How
can I find His peace and purpose in the middle of my pain? I believe there are several things we
can do to keep a healthy perspective and honor God in our process of
grieving. Here are a few things I
have learned:
1)
We must keep our eyes on the Lord and not our circumstances. It may sound cliché . . . but it is
absolutely essential to enduring (and overcoming) the challenges we face in
life. We can’t focus on our
dreams, or even on His promises, more than we focus on Jesus Himself. I am reminded of the song that says,
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of
this world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glorious grace.”
2)
We must remember that God is sovereign and works ALL things together
for our good – it is not left to chance.
He is always in control and His goodness and faithfulness don’t waver
based on the details of our lives. Many Biblical figures suffered greatly though they were
highly favored by God: Job had God’s favor when he lost everything, Daniel had
God’s favor in the middle of the lion’s den, Joseph had God’s favor when he was
sold into slavery and thrown into a dungeon, David had God’s favor when he was
running for his life and hiding in caves, and Paul had God’s favor when he was
shipwrecked, flogged, and imprisoned. Though it is often messy and difficult, there is no better
place to be than in the center of God’s will. Let God dream for you and write your life’s story. He may have a different plan . . . but
His ways are always better than ours. Take your prayers and requests to the
Lord but then let go of them and surrender the outcome to Him.
3)
We have to stop comparing ourselves to others that have more than us
(or have what we want). Coveting
never breeds life. Avoid falling
into the trap of self-pity; it is an enemy of faith and only leads to
depression. Instead, we are to
count our blessings – focus on what we DO have, not what we don’t. Let us come before God with a grateful
heart. I find that when I do this,
my wants become insignificant.
There are thousands of people dying every day because they don’t have
clean water to drink . . . what do I really have to complain about?
4)
Worship God in the midst of the pain and in spite of your circumstances. He inhabits the praises of His
people. I guarantee you, the
intensity of the pain diminishes when you choose to worship Him anyway -
mourning is replaced with gladness and despair with peace. The joy of the Lord becomes our
strength when we are in His presence.
5)
Allow yourself time to grieve the loss. It is okay to be sad. There is nothing productive about falsely
pretending you are okay. In
Ecclesiastes it says, “There is a time for everything.” It is possible to grieve while clinging
to and trusting in God through the process. At first I wondered if my
disappointment in my circumstances displeased the Lord (or was evidence of lack
of trust), but a good friend reminded me that even Jesus wept when Lazarus
died. I am not convinced Jesus
knew what God was going to do three days later. I think He followed the Father’s leading one moment at a
time . . . so naturally he grieved when he received news of his friend’s death. Yet, look at the beautiful miracle God
did and the rejoicing that soon followed.
So, we grieve without losing hope. Like in the case of Lazarus, this time of grief may be
preceding your miracle.
6)
Take it one day at a time.
Don’t get ahead of God. I
don’t have any peace about getting rid of all my baby stuff in the attic so I’m
going to wait. Who knows what God
has in store for us, but in the meantime, I will trust Him for today and leave
the rest in His care. We are to
“trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding,”
so that means my mind is not to touch it!
Nowhere in the Bible does it encourage us to “get our heads around”
something – the attempt to do so opposes faith and rarely leads us to answers
or peace.
7)
We cannot allow ourselves to play the “what if” or “it’s not fair” game. We will never find peace or direction
while grumbling and shaking our fist at God. Instead, find what the Lord wants you to believe/wait for
and do just that. If He has spoken
something to your heart, don’t give up just because it hasn’t come to pass in
the manner or timing you would prefer.
Take hold of whatever lessons are hiding in the margins of your
circumstances and let your roots grow deep while you are being pruned. This is a necessity if we are to bear
any fruit in our lives. It is
often in times of brokenness that we are closest to the heart and presence of
the Lord – don’t let this season pass you by untouched.
8)
Choose wisely which voices you listen to and believe. Our thoughts and feelings will war with
our spirit and the enemy will work hard to divert you onto a path of despair
and bitterness. “Take captive
every thought and make it obedient to Jesus Christ.” Submit to the voice of truth – the voice that brings
peace. Any other voice is not from
God.
As
the African missionary Heidi Baker states, “We can use our suffering to become
more like Jesus, or we can let bitterness fester inside our hearts.” I don’t know about you . . . but I want
to be more like Jesus.
“We
are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the
death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2
Corinthians 4:8-10
