Dealing with Disappointment

It has been a tough week.  What are we to do when our dreams are squelched and our heart’s deepest desires left unfulfilled? Life doesn’t always hand us what we want . . . and we are left wanting and grieving.

God graciously granted us a child in 2008 after years of trying to conceive and five rounds of fertility treatments.  Connor brings great joy into our lives so I don’t mean to minimize the gift he is by sharing our recent struggles; however, we wanted another child.  I had vivid dreams about positive pregnancy tests and nursing my newborn in the hospital, but now after five more fertility treatments and a miscarriage, we are heartbroken.  Hundreds of shots and thousands of dollars later, still no baby. 

Since the fertility treatments didn’t work this time, I found myself questioning whether we were ever supposed to pursue the additional treatments . . . but then I remember that we were led by peace.  Bob and I took our time praying about things before ever stepping out; after all, we didn’t want to birth an Ishmael on our own instead of waiting for God to give us an Isaac.  Maybe we got it wrong, but I rather believe there was another purpose for us traveling this road.  So what is God trying to teach us from all this?  I certainly don’t want to go through this in vain – I want to come out of this a different person . . . better for having gone through it.  Scripture states, “What Satan meant for harm, God meant for good.”  If I really believe God’s Word then I can rest in knowing even life’s disappointments will turn out for my good, much like God creating a diamond from a lump of coal. 

How can I find His peace and purpose in the middle of my pain?  I believe there are several things we can do to keep a healthy perspective and honor God in our process of grieving.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1)            We must keep our eyes on the Lord and not our circumstances.  It may sound cliché . . . but it is absolutely essential to enduring (and overcoming) the challenges we face in life.  We can’t focus on our dreams, or even on His promises, more than we focus on Jesus Himself.  I am reminded of the song that says, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glorious grace.” 

2)            We must remember that God is sovereign and works ALL things together for our good – it is not left to chance.  He is always in control and His goodness and faithfulness don’t waver based on the details of our lives.  Many Biblical figures suffered greatly though they were highly favored by God: Job had God’s favor when he lost everything, Daniel had God’s favor in the middle of the lion’s den, Joseph had God’s favor when he was sold into slavery and thrown into a dungeon, David had God’s favor when he was running for his life and hiding in caves, and Paul had God’s favor when he was shipwrecked, flogged, and imprisoned.  Though it is often messy and difficult, there is no better place to be than in the center of God’s will.  Let God dream for you and write your life’s story.  He may have a different plan . . . but His ways are always better than ours.  Take your prayers and requests to the Lord but then let go of them and surrender the outcome to Him.

3)            We have to stop comparing ourselves to others that have more than us (or have what we want).  Coveting never breeds life.  Avoid falling into the trap of self-pity; it is an enemy of faith and only leads to depression.  Instead, we are to count our blessings – focus on what we DO have, not what we don’t.  Let us come before God with a grateful heart.  I find that when I do this, my wants become insignificant.  There are thousands of people dying every day because they don’t have clean water to drink . . . what do I really have to complain about?

4)            Worship God in the midst of the pain and in spite of your circumstances.  He inhabits the praises of His people.  I guarantee you, the intensity of the pain diminishes when you choose to worship Him anyway - mourning is replaced with gladness and despair with peace.  The joy of the Lord becomes our strength when we are in His presence.

5)            Allow yourself time to grieve the loss.  It is okay to be sad. There is nothing productive about falsely pretending you are okay.  In Ecclesiastes it says, “There is a time for everything.”  It is possible to grieve while clinging to and trusting in God through the process.  At first I wondered if my disappointment in my circumstances displeased the Lord (or was evidence of lack of trust), but a good friend reminded me that even Jesus wept when Lazarus died.  I am not convinced Jesus knew what God was going to do three days later.  I think He followed the Father’s leading one moment at a time . . . so naturally he grieved when he received news of his friend’s death.  Yet, look at the beautiful miracle God did and the rejoicing that soon followed.  So, we grieve without losing hope.  Like in the case of Lazarus, this time of grief may be preceding your miracle.   

6)            Take it one day at a time.  Don’t get ahead of God.  I don’t have any peace about getting rid of all my baby stuff in the attic so I’m going to wait.  Who knows what God has in store for us, but in the meantime, I will trust Him for today and leave the rest in His care.  We are to “trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding,” so that means my mind is not to touch it!  Nowhere in the Bible does it encourage us to “get our heads around” something – the attempt to do so opposes faith and rarely leads us to answers or peace.

7)            We cannot allow ourselves to play the “what if” or “it’s not fair” game.  We will never find peace or direction while grumbling and shaking our fist at God.  Instead, find what the Lord wants you to believe/wait for and do just that.  If He has spoken something to your heart, don’t give up just because it hasn’t come to pass in the manner or timing you would prefer.  Take hold of whatever lessons are hiding in the margins of your circumstances and let your roots grow deep while you are being pruned.  This is a necessity if we are to bear any fruit in our lives.  It is often in times of brokenness that we are closest to the heart and presence of the Lord – don’t let this season pass you by untouched.    

8)            Choose wisely which voices you listen to and believe.  Our thoughts and feelings will war with our spirit and the enemy will work hard to divert you onto a path of despair and bitterness.  “Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Jesus Christ.”  Submit to the voice of truth – the voice that brings peace.  Any other voice is not from God.

As the African missionary Heidi Baker states, “We can use our suffering to become more like Jesus, or we can let bitterness fester inside our hearts.”  I don’t know about you . . . but I want to be more like Jesus.  

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Defending the Sanctity of Marriage with Scandalous Love

I am greatly saddened when I look at the moral decline of our nation . . . not just because I am concerned about our children's future but because I see the pain and brokenness in the lives of so many lost people.  They are searching for love and acceptance and the last place they are finding it is in the church.  This shouldn't be!  Our churches aren't to be Country Clubs where like-minded people gather, they are to be havens for the hurting and hospitals to the wounded.  So many of us have missed the big picture and lost the perspective Jesus had for the outcast.  Remember what Jesus said, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice.  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." 

Though I am deeply convicted about the importance of maintaining the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman, I am disturbed that things have somehow degenerated into an "us" against "them" mentality.  Many churches and Christians are quite vocal in their stance against gay marriage, but I find myself wondering where Jesus is in the midst of this battle.  

If Jesus were here today in human form, I don't think we'd find him on the picket lines defending holiness, I think we'd find him eating in the homes of the very people our churches are fighting against.  Jesus had this amazing ability to separate the value of a person from their sin.  In the midst of loving and ministering to people, he never compromised truth; it was simply His kindness that led to repentance.  Instead of judging them for their rebellion, he established relationship with them FIRST and then loved them to repentance.

According to Kris Vallotton in his book, The Supernatural Ways of Royalty, "We only have as much influence in the lives of others as they have value for us.  When we carry honor in our hearts for others, our value grows in their eyes and we gain a place of influence with them.  Judging and labeling groups of people usually promotes dishonor.  If others believe we don't really value them as people, they won't believe we love them and will hold our offer (of salvation) suspect." 

In Brennan Manning's book, "Souvenirs of Solitude," he points out something interesting about the passage in chapter 8 of John's gospel.  This was the story about the woman caught in adultery.  The pharisees and crowd dragged her before Jesus and asked what they should do with her.  The Law of Moses said she should be stoned but the Romans wouldn't let them stone people.  Jesus began to write in the sand and then said, "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."  The people left one at a time until only Jesus was standing there with the woman.  He asked her, "Is there no one here to condemn you?"  She replied, "No one, Lord."  He answered, "Okay, go and sin no more."  

Manning expounds on this and says, "Get the picture.  Jesus didn't ask her if she was sorry.  He didn't demand a firm purpose of amendment.  He didn't seem too concerned that she might dash back into the arms of her lover.  She just stood there, and Jesus gave her absolution before she asked for it.  That particular passage was so scandalous in the early church that though it is certainly part of an ancient gospel tradition, it didn't get included in the gospel story for almost a hundred years.  The early Christian moralists had a much stricter idea of good and evil than Jesus did, so they tried to hush up this incident because it made Jesus look too lenient.  And that's the nature of God's love for us - a love that is positively scandalous, a love that's embarrassing."

I am not encouraging people to compromise truth or embrace falsehoods for the sake of keeping the peace (or being "politically correct") but we should not hold truth to such a high value that it outshines love and leads to a religious mindset.  If we can speak in tongues of angels, have the gift of prophecy and great knowledge, have faith that moves mountains, give all we possess to the poor, and die a martyrs death . . . but have not love, we gain nothing.  Yes that is right, we can even die for a cause and gain nothing.  Though we may be correct in our convictions, anything we do outside the motive of love is in vain.   

I think there is a way to love and accept the LGBT community while still standing true to the heart and Word of God.  We just need to remember that "Love covers a multitude of sins" and  "Mercy triumphs over judgment."   

As Brennan Manning says, "We must not permit cool cordiality and polite indifference to masquerade as God's love for His people."  

WHILE we were still sinners He died for us - let's shower this same scandalous love toward His people today.

Making Peace - Wisdom From My Two Fathers

Is it just me or are your lives also filled with conflict?  Seems like everywhere I turn there is conflict with a co-worker, a friend, or a family member.  It just takes so much energy to keep the peace.  I can be good at it for a while (on the outside), but then things build up over time and I get weary of the effort . . . which usually leads to my "losing it" and spewing my "junk" at the individual involved.  Why is it so draining?  Is it because I care too much what the other person thinks or that I just insist on being right?  


Not long ago, I came across the scripture in Romans that says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I stopped and read it again.  According to this scripture, it was my calling and responsibility as a believer to be a peacemaker.  I, however, was in the habit of appeasing my flesh - seeking to be heard and get my way (though I wouldn't have admitted that).  Though there are sometimes factors outside our control that prevent us from reconciling a relationship (we can't make everyone happy all the time), I was to do ALL I could do to make peace . . . and then leave the outcome in the Lord's hands. 


This scripture in Romans began a journey for me that literally changed my life.  It led me through a process of introspection concerning the way I talk to and treat other people.  The Lord started pointing out other scriptures that I certainly knew, but wasn't living by.  For example, the scripture in James that says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."  I usually did a lot more talking than listening.  Then there are the two in Proverbs: "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" and "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult."  I wasn't in the habit of overlooking insults; I had a lot of experience defending myself. 


Then of course there is 1 Corinthians 13, the "love" chapter often quoted at weddings.  When I truly examined these scriptures, I realized I wasn't walking in love at all, at least not like Jesus taught us to.  If love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, and is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. . . then I had a lot of work to do.  I needed to learn how to hold my tongue and respond to others with sacrificial love, even when I was hurt and angry and when they didn't deserve it.  After all, isn't  that what offering mercy is all about?  As I was reading these scriptures, I started to realize how self-centered I was.  Oh man, I had a lot of learning to do.


This is where my dad comes in.  He offered me some advice and I want to share his words with you.

Healing requires giving up the right to be right on both sides. There will be no healthy relationship if things deteriorate to a win-lose contest. It's fantasy to think conflict can be completely traced to one party.  Each of you must look inward before outward. Each must identify, own and deal with personal responsibilities for what's happened, even if specifics seem minor. What's little to one can be major to the other. If something is important at all to the other, it must be honored.

It seems another indispensable is the empathy to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pain can be jealous for itself, wanting to hog all the emotion and focus from a single perspective. Whatever exercise or conversation you can have that will help you feel the other's pain, and them feel yours, will be prerequisite. You do not want to have a debate, where the goal is to superimpose a conclusion on another by reason alone. Sometimes feelings are more important than facts.  If you can cry for each other instead of because of each other, you'll relate in the spirit of Christ and be closer to the heart of the matter.

Truth is not the highest value. Love is. Laying everything out on the table just because it's true does not guarantee love. Scripture enjoins us to speak the truth in love. If the facts are correct but the heart isn't, it's not God's definition of truth. You should avoid using correct facts without correct love. That's a weapon, not a tool. If you know something's going to hurt the other, be very, very sure it's ultimately redemptive. This takes great inner discipline and compassion. Always check your true motives in such a case. 

In Phillipians it says, "in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."  I am striving to clash with the self-centered, consumer-driven culture we live in.  It begins with the smallest of practices each day and grows from there.  I in no means have mastered the art of peacemaking, but I am on a pursuit to love others the way Jesus did . . . to respond to the one in front of me with His compassion.


According to Heidi Baker, missionary in Mozambique, "true happiness flows from responding in the opposite spirit of what is expected by the world's standards."  I want to get to the place that I naturally respond to others with selfless love - that their needs and feelings truly are more important in my eyes.  I've already had the privilege to put these principles in practice several times over the last year and the peace I have as a result is like nothing I have ever experienced.  It was gut-wrenching at first, holding my tongue and overlooking the insults, but it no longer takes the effort it once did.  I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the victory and I pray that you also walk in the abundant life that He has for you.  Practice makes perfect so let's commit to the journey together. 


As St. Francis of Assisi said,
          
          "Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace that, where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that, where there is error, I may bring truth; that, where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that, where there is despair, I may bring hope; that, where there is sadness, I may bring joy.  Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood; to love than to be loved; for it is by forgetting self that one finds; it is forgiving that one is forgiven; it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
  

The Lost Art of Repentance

How often we make excuses: I had a hard day at work, I have a headache, I didn’t get enough sleep last night, they were rude to me first, I was abused as a child, my parents were the same way so I just inherited it, everyone does it.  These things may be true, but God does not sympathize with sin . . . no matter what the cause or reason.  He is a compassionate God and understands our handicaps but He doesn’t want them to prevent us from living a victorious life. 

Sin separates us from God and quenches the Holy Spirit in our life.  There may be reasons for why we act a certain way but we can’t allow these to be our excuses.  We must cast down every imagination that sets itself up against God and take captive every thought and make it obedient to Jesus Christ.  We must be obedient in the small things before we will gain victory over the larger struggles in our life.  He who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much. 

We must get to the point that we are not content in our sin – it cannot be acceptable to us because it is not acceptable to God.  We are to be sanctified daily.  It’s one of the great lies of the enemy when he justifies our behavior that displeases the Lord.  This does not mean we walk in condemnation, but we must walk in surrender.  Scripture says, “Be holy therefore because I am holy.”  He will help us accomplish this if we simply acknowledge our sin and repent.  It is a process . . . but a beautiful one that leads us into victory.  We are deceiving ourselves to think it is better to remain the way we are – Christians are not to blend in with the world.  We should stand out as different.  If we were really walking in the truth of His Word, everyone would be drawn to us and want what we have.

Walk in integrity.  Let the Holy Spirit change you.  Though the process can be painful, you will soon find out it is life-giving.  Like an amputation that is required to save an individual’s life, the loss is painful but critical.  Let God cut away the dead and destructive things in your life.  Use your tongue for life and not death.  Let us say only that which is helpful for building each other up.

I have finally found a place where I want the Lord to chasten me.  I want His correction because I know greater peace and victory lie on the other side of my repentance.  The change that results is good for me and glorifies my maker.

Let’s not stop striving for perfection.  If we struggle with an unholy pattern of thought or behavior, let us pursue Him until He helps us change . . . and get whatever help we need to attain victory.  Our God is faithful.  He promises that “when we seek Him we will find Him IF we seek Him with all of our heart.”  He will never leave us or forsake us – no matter how many times we mess up, He will never give up on us.  His mercies are new every morning.  Let’s seek Him and not let go until we get a breakthrough . . . like Jacob did.  He wrestled with the angel and persevered, refusing to give up, so God blessed him.  Sometimes these encounters leave us with a limp but I’d rather encounter God and walk with a limp than operate in my own strength and fail.

Remember, “it’s His kindness that leads us to repentance.”  Any voice that brings shame is not from the Lord.  Allow Him to convict you and then respond to His leading, but do not allow the enemy to beat you up with a record of your past sins or continued failures.  The blood of Jesus purifies us; we are new creations in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come.

Continue to renew your mind daily with God’s Word and call upon His name and He will save you.  He will never fail you.  His voice is one of peace, so any voice that brings anxiety, doubt, or fear is not from Him.  Rest in the faithfulness of our God and look expectantly for His hand of blessing.  Remember that though the process may be painful, it is His pruning that leads us to bear much fruit.  Don’t settle for less than God’s best – don’t settle for the standards of this world.  God has more in mind for you – search Him until you find and attain your destiny in Christ.  This begins with repentance.  

Let’s stop making excuses.  Let’s throw off everything that hinders and entangles and run the race as if we are running to win the prize.  We may not be ready to run a marathon yet but let’s start training.  We may be sore and short of breath as we begin but we will get stronger as we go.  We are co-laborers with Christ so He will come along side us and give us the strength we need each day to overcome all obstacles.

Let the Lord have His way with you – you will never regret it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Matthew 5:6

I want to be tone deaf

So there's this guy at my church.  He rocks back and forth a lot, even when the music isn't playing.  I don't think I've ever heard him speak to anyone; however, I have heard him sing.  I've been a few rows behind him to see the people all turn and stare.  I've been at the opposite side of the church and still heard him singing, or should I say groaning.  It's not a pretty sound.  It's a loud monotone moaning noise.  What happened to being dignified and quiet in church?  I mean, who does he think he is to disrupt the rest of the congregation?  To ruin worship for everyone else?  It's really hard to concentrate when this guy is singing.

For the past couple of years, I've been praying that God would give me His eyes for others.  Instead of viewing others with my limited (and often distorted) worldly perspective, I've asked the Lord to fill me with His compassion and help me see people through His lens.  I believe the young man at my church is one of the people He has helped me see in a different light.

Though the sound is not a pleasant one to the ears, there is something in my spirit that wants to embrace this young man when he sings.  I am filled with joy when I hear him sing - his simple praise takes me to a deeper place in my worship.  I've noticed he has been quiet at church lately and I certainly hope someone didn't advise him to stop singing.  After all, wasn't it David that after being accused of dancing half-naked in the streets and disgracing his wife said, "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."  I did a second-take when I first read that scripture - I thought, did he just use undignified and humiliated as a positive thing?  I would think that as the King, a certain amount of restraint is appropriate . . . but evidently this doesn't apply when worshiping the Lord.  Scripture says that David danced before the Lord with all his might . . . and it pleases our heavenly Father when we worship Him with the same reckless abandonment.  

I think God is tone deaf.  I think He hears our hearts in worship, not our tone or display of talent.  I've been at churches and heard breathtaking musical performances, but didn't see the singer crack a smile.  I've been at churches and seen individuals perform with zeal and get the crowd worked-up, but instead of drawing attention to the One they were singing about, they drew attention to themselves.

I want to be more like the young man at my church.  I hope someone didn't quench his beautiful undignified act of worship before God.  Help us God - we are so clueless sometimes.  Jerk us out of our habits and traditions that displease you and wash away the religious stench that remains in our churches and hearts.  Open our eyes Lord.  Make us more like You.  I want to be more like you - to be undignified, humiliated, and tone deaf.

1 Corinthians 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."