A TRIBUTE TO MY FATHER BRIAN CONNOR - REFLECTIONS ON HIS LIFE AND DEATH

It is hard to find the words to describe the true essence and character of my father Brian Connor.  He touched so many people in his lifetime with Christ’s love, and this was his greatest joy.  We know his memory will live on and his legacy will resonate through the lives of many people. 

Brian used to call me his angel and Amy his princess.  Ever since we were children, he told us we could be anything we set our hearts on.  He told us to shoot for the stars and never settle for less than the best.  He was our biggest fan in our successes and our biggest advocate when we faced challenges along the way.  I knew I was deeply loved and that I could tell my dad anything – I always felt safe and secure.  My dad’s steadfast love formed a strong foundation from which I grew into my true identity in Christ, while the balance of healthy boundaries and freedoms he set allowed me to spread my wings in this world.  I am eternally grateful to God for such a loving and devoted father, and his lasting imprint on my life.

Brian was a man who loved a good practical joke.  Whether it was putting bang snaps under his secretary’s toilet seat, putting sardines in Amy’s sandwich when packing her school lunch, or rubber banding the water spray in the kitchen sink so that the first person that turned it on in the morning got squirted, he had a free spirit that longed to engage life with a smile.  To my surprise, he burst out in laughter the first time I got sent to the principal’s office – I think it reminded him too well of his own childhood endeavors.  My favorite bedtime stories were about the mischief he got into growing up and all his boyhood shenanigans.  My dad was in no way a “stuffy” religious leader; rather, he was a man that knew the value of a good laugh and how to create an environment of joy. 

I remember the time my dad found out I skipped school with a friend to avoid standardized testing.  He called me into his room and asked me if I was at school.  I initially struggled with what to say but decided I should be honest so I told him “no.”  To my surprise, he responded, “Okay Carey.  You are a good student and I don’t care if you skip once in a while as long as you are always honest with me.”  It was grace in situations like this that proved I could trust him to look out for my best interests while also letting me engage life to the fullest.  Not once did I feel I was raised in a legalistic home of rules or “holy” expectations.  Church and “religion” were never forced upon me; instead, a genuine love, joy, and grace were simply modeled to me through the rhythms of life.

My dad loved to spend time with his friends and family.  He would occasionally take me out of school to “play hooky” and go fishing with him (while excusing the absence to the school due to a “family affair”).  Amy and I gladly shared his favorite pastimes with him: crabbing and fishing at Folly beach, camping in rustic cabins in the woods, going to baseball games, watching football on Sunday afternoons, night shrimping (as he taught us how to throw a cast net), or taking the boat out to picnic and collect shark teeth.  I even remember as a child, my dad taking us in his boat to an island and teaching us how to shoot his shotgun at cans he set up in the distance.  My dad enjoyed doing these things with us and once said to me that if he had sons instead of daughters, they probably wouldn’t have been as much fun.

As a child, I never knew who would be living in our guest bedroom or joining us for holidays.  The wounded, broken, and misunderstood found unconditional love and refuge in Brian’s home and office.  He welcomed all just as they were, with open arms and an open heart.

Brian modeled his life and ministry after the good shepherd who protected his flock from the wolf and was willing to lay down his life for them (John 10:11).  My dad felt called to help people in spiritual bondage find freedom and wholeness in Christ.  As a result, there were many times the enemy threatened us; however, my parents refused to bow under the intimidation of evil.  They took God at His Word and didn’t allow the seeds of fear to take root.  God honored their child-like faith and surrender and faithfully protected our family while they loved and ministered to people right where they were, in the midst of their darkness.  

When learning about the realities of evil in this world as a teenager, I remember confronting my dad with my concerns and fears.  His response to me was, “Carey, someone has to take a stand against it . . . and it is something worth dying for.”  He knew wholeheartedly he was in God’s hands; nevertheless, he was willing to suffer loss for the sake of others. The question was never whether God’s light was strong enough to overcome the darkness; the question was (and still is) whether or not we will let our lights shine. Brian carried the light of Christ into environments where others refused to go.

My dad used to tell me that love was a higher calling than truth.  Though both are important, Brian lived his life with love as his highest value, and he extended that love without judgment to all who crossed his path.  As the pastor spoke as his graveside, Brian lived a “hesed” love.  Hesed is a Hebrew word that means enduring, eternal, unfailing love that is demonstrated through action.  Whether we are walking in God’s perfect will or simply His permissive will, God always examines our heart behind our behavior.  My dad served the Lord with all his heart and always sought to please Him, no matter what the cost.

While reflecting on my father’s death, I came across the song “Blessings” by Laura Story.  The words say, “What if God’s blessings come through raindrops, what if His healing comes through tears, and what if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know He’s near?  What if the trials in this life are God’s mercies in disguise?  What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of the greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?  When friends betray us and when darkness seems to win, the pain reminds our heart that this is not our home.”  I am grateful that even in our present loss and mourning, we are blessed (Matthew 5:4).  God’s presence and comfort are near.

Though it is normal to grieve my father’s passing, I am reminded in Philippians 1:21 that death is not a tragic end.  Paul says, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”  Paul then goes on to state it is far better to depart and be with Christ.  We must remember that God’s nature is infinitely good – He can’t be anything contrary to this.  God proved this when, while we were sinners, He sent His only son to die for us.  So if God is always good, then we can be sure that even death can be a gift.  We are rescued from our suffering and the evils in this world and made whole as we are taken to a place of abundant peace and joy.  I truly don’t feel the sting of my father’s death as much as I feel the victory in it.  Because I know God to be a giver and not a taker, I know even in my father’s death, God is the author of life and the giver of good gifts.  As my sister recently put it, Brian “is more alive now than ever.”

As it says in 1 Corinthians 15:54, “When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory.’”  I am rejoicing in my father’s homecoming with the Lord, where his true citizenship subsides (Philippians 3:20).  Our father was healed of his cancer; he just got his healing on the other side. 

In all things we will give thanks . . . even in this.

Hidden Dangers of Facebook

I signed up for Facebook (FB) after my son was born in 2008.  I thought it was fabulous, connecting with old friends and sharing pictures of our families with each other.  However, I started to receive friend requests from people I barely knew, mere acquaintances from high school or friends of my friends.  It seemed harmless to accept their requests (and to be honest, I was mildly curious what they looked like these days).  Before long, my newsfeed page was covered with posts from people that weren’t even my friends.  I honestly could care less about their political opinions or what they ate for dinner, but somehow I ended up spending my time thumbing through all these posts.  At times, I even felt an unspoken pressure to “like” other peoples’ posts out of concern they may be offended or hurt if I didn’t. 

Over time I realized something else was happening.  I loved sharing inspirational quotes from the Christian books I was reading.  I often received positive feedback or “likes” when I would post them.  However, without my consciously realizing it, the amount of feedback I got (or lack of) started to influence me.  I felt special and affirmed when I got a lot of responses and slightly deflated when I didn’t.  Overall I believe I am a fairly secure person, so it was ever so subtle, but damaging nonetheless.

For the longest time, I didn’t think FB was a problem for me because I typically only spent about 45 minutes a day on it.  Though the total amount of time on FB was limited, I found myself checking my FB page multiple times a day (either on my home computer or on my phone).  Any time I had a few minutes to spare, I would thumb through the newsfeed page.  Without realizing it, FB became my time filler . . . even when I didn’t have extra time to fill.  One day it hit me that my son had been asking me to play with him over and over, and I kept putting him off because I was on FB.  I knew something had to give.  

In attempt to separate myself from any FB addiction or unhealthy influence it had on me, I decided to “fast” FB for a month.  It happened to be March of 2013 and was lent season – and the last day of the month was Easter.  How appropriate.  What I didn’t expect was how significant this month would play in identifying the problems at hand. 

1)    Not until I fasted FB did I realize it had become a compulsion.  I was naturally migrating to it when I had any extra time.  The fact that I didn’t spend an enormous amount of time on it in the day doesn’t negate its’ negative effects.  (Though 45 min a day adds up to about 22 hours a month – that is a significant amount of time!)  During my fast, I got projects done and things organized in my home, I spent more time playing with my son, and I spent more time reading things that actually mattered.  I didn’t realize how much FB robbed me of the precious little moments throughout the day.  Because I was using my extra minutes on FB, I rarely stopped long enough to pay attention to God’s voice and to those around me that craved my undivided attention.

2)    It took some prayer and introspection, but I had to admit that I really liked the positive attention from others on FB.  This is not innately bad, but when it replaces the affirmation of our heavenly Father and begins to influence what we think about ourselves, then it has to go.  It doesn’t matter if it is an encouraging quote or article, if I am even partially shaping my identity through the responses from other people on FB then it is not beneficial.

3)    I realized that FB was creating a false sense of community.  Because I was interacting with others regularly via posts and “likes,” it felt like we were connecting.  However, in reality it was a poor substitute for the real thing.  Though it can be beautiful to connect with out-of-town family and friends this way, it should not be our main means of connecting with the people we love.  I found myself accepting an abbreviated response on FB as a substitute for real relationship.  I believe we all need to “do life” with each other (which is far more than an electronic relationship) and that we are vulnerable outside of true community.  You can be very active on FB and yet still living in isolation.  In my opinion, true friendships cannot be formed and maintained on FB because a false self is often presented (an image of how you want to be perceived, which doesn't always match up with the true you).  

4)    I had succumbed to electronic entertainment – focusing my attention on mindless and meaningless activities.  Without realizing it, these electronics had distracted and desensitized me from the more important things in life.  It was during the FB fast that I also realized I needed to give up Words With Friends.  Once again, though I didn’t spend an enormous amount of time on the game, I was constantly checking my phone throughout the day to play a word.  It simply does not need to be the first and last thing I do every day.  What we spend the most time on is ultimately what we value the most, so truth be told, FB had become an idol. 

I realized it was extremely important for me to make some changes.  I didn’t feel it was necessary to deactivate my FB account because I don’t think everything about FB is bad.  The question was if I could maintain a balance with FB without being sucked into the negative aspects of it. 

1)    I decided to take the FB and Words With Friends App off my phone so I couldn’t check it when away from the house. 

2)    I decided to limit myself to 10 or 15 minutes a day on FB (though I am not going to be legalistic about this time limit – it is merely a guideline).  I am way too busy and have too many more important things to do than spend my time on FB.  Before getting on FB I will ask myself if there is something more important that needs to be done (cooking, cleaning, planning, phone calls, emails, etc) and choose wisely how I use my time.  If I find it too difficult to limit my time on FB, then this is a sign of addiction and I need to shut it down all together.

3)    I set filters on my FB newsfeed so I didn’t spend time reading posts from people I didn’t really know.  If I was going to look at FB then I wanted that time to be somewhat meaningful.

4)    I made up my mind not to spend time on my electronics over spending my time with my family and friends. I have chosen to invest in true community and not the mere appearance of it.  Furthermore, if my son asks for my attention while I am “playing” on my phone or computer, I will get off and spend time with him.  Those moments will pass me by too quickly and I don’t want to miss out on them.

5)    Lastly, I decided I wasn’t going to post any more inspirational quotes (at least for a season).  Even if they were encouraging others, I recognized the ‘likes’ and positive responses I received were “puffing me up.”  I don’t need that.  I want to find my affirmation fully and completely in God’s perspective of me.  If I find FB building up my identity or tearing it down, then it may be necessary to shut down my account altogether.  God should be my guide and affirmation.  The number of “likes” received does not define me as an individual and is not a reflection of my self-worth.  Oh this subtle danger!

Please understand I am not condemning anyone for their choices regarding FB.  I do not believe FB is innately bad, but I believe it can be bad depending on what value it holds in your life.  I am simply sharing my journey and what I have learned over the last year.  Maybe it is applicable to you and maybe it isn’t. 

If you feel FB may be a problem then pray about it or maybe take some time off from it.  As it says in Psalm 36:9, “In His light we see light.”  He will shine His light upon the situation if you simply stop and give Him the opportunity.  Though I had consecrated myself to the Lord, it was the consecration of my time that I lacked.  My FB “fast” brought me to this realization and helped me establish some healthy guidelines in this area.  We must take an inventory of our time and choose wisely.  Life is too precious.

The Art of Giving - Learning Generosity from my 4 year old

It was clean up time.  Connor was told to clean up his toys in the sunroom and he was sitting on the floor whining about it.  He begged me to help him because it was “too hard” (a task that would literally take 30 seconds).  Connor said there were too many toys to clean up.  My ingenious response to him was that if he had too many toys to clean up then maybe we needed to give some away.  Of course my intent was to motivate him to refuse and then quickly clean them up.  Instead, he said, “Okay Mommy, I want to give my toys to children who don’t have any.”  Uh oh, I wasn’t prepared for that response.  However, I thought his sentiment would pass in time so I got a big container and told him to put whatever toys in it that he wanted to give away.  To my surprise, he put almost all of his super hero toys and play-sets in the container.  Wait a second (I thought), those were the toys we just bought him last Christmas – the ones he absolutely loves (and the ones I was thinking of saving in the attic for his kids one day).  You see, I had plans for those toys.  There was something inside of me that opposed this giving away of his favorite toys (or maybe my favorites?)  However, I knew there was a lesson to be found and that I needed to be prayerful about how I handled things.  This was an opportunity to train my child for life . . . to shape his mentality about giving.  I don’t want him to value stuff more than he values people – I don’t want him to hold too tightly to the things of this world but rather to store up his treasures in heaven.  As I thought more about it, I wondered if Connor already had it all figured out and I was the one who needed to learn the lesson.

I asked Connor several times if he was sure and he said, “yes.”  I pulled out some of my favorite toys from the container and questioned him again if he wanted to keep those items so not to break up the set . . . but the container is still full and he hasn’t budged over the week.  He assured me all his superheroes (that he kept) could fit into one play-set so he was happy to give the other three away.  In reality, he was right.  Even when he played with them in the past, it was almost sensory overload to have all the superhero toys out at once.  He tended to play with just one.  

Connor kept saying he wanted to share these toys with children who didn’t have any toys, something I believe he learned about from his sitter that takes in foster babies.  There was one little boy in particular that had an influence on him and Connor asks about this boy from time to time, commenting on how he didn’t have toys or parents or food.  Connor’s solution was simple; he would share what he had with the kids who didn’t have anything.  Why can’t it be that simple with us adults?

I was always happy to donate Connor’s used and outgrown toys and clothes; however, that was simply our leftovers.  I am reminded of the story of the poor widow in Luke 21.  Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box and then a poor widow put in two small copper coins.  He said, “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them.  For they contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”  The point of the story is that God measures gifts not by their size but on the basis of how much of a sacrifice it was to give them and how sincere and selfless the heart was that gave the gift. 

I once heard that there are two types of people in this world – givers and takers, and that we all fall into one of those categories.  Of course I would like to be in the category of givers, but if I am truly honest with myself, I’m not so sure I am.  My pastor once said you can tell a lot about someone by their bank account, and though we tithe, we sure do spend a lot of money on ourselves.  

It is hard not to be influenced by the consumerism and materialism that dominates our culture.  Though we are in this world, we are not to be of this world; our true citizenship is in heaven.  We were never meant to fit in here.  I think I fit in too much here.  I need to spend some time in prayer about my own giving.  I don’t want to hold too tightly to anything in this world but for my first love to always be the Lord.  I am loving Him when I help His people.  As Jesus said in Matthew 25:40, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”  In the end, we really only get to keep what we give away anyway . . . for our reward lies in heaven.

I’m on a new mission – I want to be characterized by my giving, and in this to bring glory to my heavenly Father.  First on the list, donate Connor’s toys. 

Dealing with Disappointment

It has been a tough week.  What are we to do when our dreams are squelched and our heart’s deepest desires left unfulfilled? Life doesn’t always hand us what we want . . . and we are left wanting and grieving.

God graciously granted us a child in 2008 after years of trying to conceive and five rounds of fertility treatments.  Connor brings great joy into our lives so I don’t mean to minimize the gift he is by sharing our recent struggles; however, we wanted another child.  I had vivid dreams about positive pregnancy tests and nursing my newborn in the hospital, but now after five more fertility treatments and a miscarriage, we are heartbroken.  Hundreds of shots and thousands of dollars later, still no baby. 

Since the fertility treatments didn’t work this time, I found myself questioning whether we were ever supposed to pursue the additional treatments . . . but then I remember that we were led by peace.  Bob and I took our time praying about things before ever stepping out; after all, we didn’t want to birth an Ishmael on our own instead of waiting for God to give us an Isaac.  Maybe we got it wrong, but I rather believe there was another purpose for us traveling this road.  So what is God trying to teach us from all this?  I certainly don’t want to go through this in vain – I want to come out of this a different person . . . better for having gone through it.  Scripture states, “What Satan meant for harm, God meant for good.”  If I really believe God’s Word then I can rest in knowing even life’s disappointments will turn out for my good, much like God creating a diamond from a lump of coal. 

How can I find His peace and purpose in the middle of my pain?  I believe there are several things we can do to keep a healthy perspective and honor God in our process of grieving.  Here are a few things I have learned:

1)            We must keep our eyes on the Lord and not our circumstances.  It may sound cliché . . . but it is absolutely essential to enduring (and overcoming) the challenges we face in life.  We can’t focus on our dreams, or even on His promises, more than we focus on Jesus Himself.  I am reminded of the song that says, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glorious grace.” 

2)            We must remember that God is sovereign and works ALL things together for our good – it is not left to chance.  He is always in control and His goodness and faithfulness don’t waver based on the details of our lives.  Many Biblical figures suffered greatly though they were highly favored by God: Job had God’s favor when he lost everything, Daniel had God’s favor in the middle of the lion’s den, Joseph had God’s favor when he was sold into slavery and thrown into a dungeon, David had God’s favor when he was running for his life and hiding in caves, and Paul had God’s favor when he was shipwrecked, flogged, and imprisoned.  Though it is often messy and difficult, there is no better place to be than in the center of God’s will.  Let God dream for you and write your life’s story.  He may have a different plan . . . but His ways are always better than ours.  Take your prayers and requests to the Lord but then let go of them and surrender the outcome to Him.

3)            We have to stop comparing ourselves to others that have more than us (or have what we want).  Coveting never breeds life.  Avoid falling into the trap of self-pity; it is an enemy of faith and only leads to depression.  Instead, we are to count our blessings – focus on what we DO have, not what we don’t.  Let us come before God with a grateful heart.  I find that when I do this, my wants become insignificant.  There are thousands of people dying every day because they don’t have clean water to drink . . . what do I really have to complain about?

4)            Worship God in the midst of the pain and in spite of your circumstances.  He inhabits the praises of His people.  I guarantee you, the intensity of the pain diminishes when you choose to worship Him anyway - mourning is replaced with gladness and despair with peace.  The joy of the Lord becomes our strength when we are in His presence.

5)            Allow yourself time to grieve the loss.  It is okay to be sad. There is nothing productive about falsely pretending you are okay.  In Ecclesiastes it says, “There is a time for everything.”  It is possible to grieve while clinging to and trusting in God through the process.  At first I wondered if my disappointment in my circumstances displeased the Lord (or was evidence of lack of trust), but a good friend reminded me that even Jesus wept when Lazarus died.  I am not convinced Jesus knew what God was going to do three days later.  I think He followed the Father’s leading one moment at a time . . . so naturally he grieved when he received news of his friend’s death.  Yet, look at the beautiful miracle God did and the rejoicing that soon followed.  So, we grieve without losing hope.  Like in the case of Lazarus, this time of grief may be preceding your miracle.   

6)            Take it one day at a time.  Don’t get ahead of God.  I don’t have any peace about getting rid of all my baby stuff in the attic so I’m going to wait.  Who knows what God has in store for us, but in the meantime, I will trust Him for today and leave the rest in His care.  We are to “trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding,” so that means my mind is not to touch it!  Nowhere in the Bible does it encourage us to “get our heads around” something – the attempt to do so opposes faith and rarely leads us to answers or peace.

7)            We cannot allow ourselves to play the “what if” or “it’s not fair” game.  We will never find peace or direction while grumbling and shaking our fist at God.  Instead, find what the Lord wants you to believe/wait for and do just that.  If He has spoken something to your heart, don’t give up just because it hasn’t come to pass in the manner or timing you would prefer.  Take hold of whatever lessons are hiding in the margins of your circumstances and let your roots grow deep while you are being pruned.  This is a necessity if we are to bear any fruit in our lives.  It is often in times of brokenness that we are closest to the heart and presence of the Lord – don’t let this season pass you by untouched.    

8)            Choose wisely which voices you listen to and believe.  Our thoughts and feelings will war with our spirit and the enemy will work hard to divert you onto a path of despair and bitterness.  “Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Jesus Christ.”  Submit to the voice of truth – the voice that brings peace.  Any other voice is not from God.

As the African missionary Heidi Baker states, “We can use our suffering to become more like Jesus, or we can let bitterness fester inside our hearts.”  I don’t know about you . . . but I want to be more like Jesus.  

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Defending the Sanctity of Marriage with Scandalous Love

I am greatly saddened when I look at the moral decline of our nation . . . not just because I am concerned about our children's future but because I see the pain and brokenness in the lives of so many lost people.  They are searching for love and acceptance and the last place they are finding it is in the church.  This shouldn't be!  Our churches aren't to be Country Clubs where like-minded people gather, they are to be havens for the hurting and hospitals to the wounded.  So many of us have missed the big picture and lost the perspective Jesus had for the outcast.  Remember what Jesus said, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice.  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." 

Though I am deeply convicted about the importance of maintaining the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman, I am disturbed that things have somehow degenerated into an "us" against "them" mentality.  Many churches and Christians are quite vocal in their stance against gay marriage, but I find myself wondering where Jesus is in the midst of this battle.  

If Jesus were here today in human form, I don't think we'd find him on the picket lines defending holiness, I think we'd find him eating in the homes of the very people our churches are fighting against.  Jesus had this amazing ability to separate the value of a person from their sin.  In the midst of loving and ministering to people, he never compromised truth; it was simply His kindness that led to repentance.  Instead of judging them for their rebellion, he established relationship with them FIRST and then loved them to repentance.

According to Kris Vallotton in his book, The Supernatural Ways of Royalty, "We only have as much influence in the lives of others as they have value for us.  When we carry honor in our hearts for others, our value grows in their eyes and we gain a place of influence with them.  Judging and labeling groups of people usually promotes dishonor.  If others believe we don't really value them as people, they won't believe we love them and will hold our offer (of salvation) suspect." 

In Brennan Manning's book, "Souvenirs of Solitude," he points out something interesting about the passage in chapter 8 of John's gospel.  This was the story about the woman caught in adultery.  The pharisees and crowd dragged her before Jesus and asked what they should do with her.  The Law of Moses said she should be stoned but the Romans wouldn't let them stone people.  Jesus began to write in the sand and then said, "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."  The people left one at a time until only Jesus was standing there with the woman.  He asked her, "Is there no one here to condemn you?"  She replied, "No one, Lord."  He answered, "Okay, go and sin no more."  

Manning expounds on this and says, "Get the picture.  Jesus didn't ask her if she was sorry.  He didn't demand a firm purpose of amendment.  He didn't seem too concerned that she might dash back into the arms of her lover.  She just stood there, and Jesus gave her absolution before she asked for it.  That particular passage was so scandalous in the early church that though it is certainly part of an ancient gospel tradition, it didn't get included in the gospel story for almost a hundred years.  The early Christian moralists had a much stricter idea of good and evil than Jesus did, so they tried to hush up this incident because it made Jesus look too lenient.  And that's the nature of God's love for us - a love that is positively scandalous, a love that's embarrassing."

I am not encouraging people to compromise truth or embrace falsehoods for the sake of keeping the peace (or being "politically correct") but we should not hold truth to such a high value that it outshines love and leads to a religious mindset.  If we can speak in tongues of angels, have the gift of prophecy and great knowledge, have faith that moves mountains, give all we possess to the poor, and die a martyrs death . . . but have not love, we gain nothing.  Yes that is right, we can even die for a cause and gain nothing.  Though we may be correct in our convictions, anything we do outside the motive of love is in vain.   

I think there is a way to love and accept the LGBT community while still standing true to the heart and Word of God.  We just need to remember that "Love covers a multitude of sins" and  "Mercy triumphs over judgment."   

As Brennan Manning says, "We must not permit cool cordiality and polite indifference to masquerade as God's love for His people."  

WHILE we were still sinners He died for us - let's shower this same scandalous love toward His people today.

Making Peace - Wisdom From My Two Fathers

Is it just me or are your lives also filled with conflict?  Seems like everywhere I turn there is conflict with a co-worker, a friend, or a family member.  It just takes so much energy to keep the peace.  I can be good at it for a while (on the outside), but then things build up over time and I get weary of the effort . . . which usually leads to my "losing it" and spewing my "junk" at the individual involved.  Why is it so draining?  Is it because I care too much what the other person thinks or that I just insist on being right?  


Not long ago, I came across the scripture in Romans that says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I stopped and read it again.  According to this scripture, it was my calling and responsibility as a believer to be a peacemaker.  I, however, was in the habit of appeasing my flesh - seeking to be heard and get my way (though I wouldn't have admitted that).  Though there are sometimes factors outside our control that prevent us from reconciling a relationship (we can't make everyone happy all the time), I was to do ALL I could do to make peace . . . and then leave the outcome in the Lord's hands. 


This scripture in Romans began a journey for me that literally changed my life.  It led me through a process of introspection concerning the way I talk to and treat other people.  The Lord started pointing out other scriptures that I certainly knew, but wasn't living by.  For example, the scripture in James that says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."  I usually did a lot more talking than listening.  Then there are the two in Proverbs: "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" and "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult."  I wasn't in the habit of overlooking insults; I had a lot of experience defending myself. 


Then of course there is 1 Corinthians 13, the "love" chapter often quoted at weddings.  When I truly examined these scriptures, I realized I wasn't walking in love at all, at least not like Jesus taught us to.  If love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, and is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. . . then I had a lot of work to do.  I needed to learn how to hold my tongue and respond to others with sacrificial love, even when I was hurt and angry and when they didn't deserve it.  After all, isn't  that what offering mercy is all about?  As I was reading these scriptures, I started to realize how self-centered I was.  Oh man, I had a lot of learning to do.


This is where my dad comes in.  He offered me some advice and I want to share his words with you.

Healing requires giving up the right to be right on both sides. There will be no healthy relationship if things deteriorate to a win-lose contest. It's fantasy to think conflict can be completely traced to one party.  Each of you must look inward before outward. Each must identify, own and deal with personal responsibilities for what's happened, even if specifics seem minor. What's little to one can be major to the other. If something is important at all to the other, it must be honored.

It seems another indispensable is the empathy to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pain can be jealous for itself, wanting to hog all the emotion and focus from a single perspective. Whatever exercise or conversation you can have that will help you feel the other's pain, and them feel yours, will be prerequisite. You do not want to have a debate, where the goal is to superimpose a conclusion on another by reason alone. Sometimes feelings are more important than facts.  If you can cry for each other instead of because of each other, you'll relate in the spirit of Christ and be closer to the heart of the matter.

Truth is not the highest value. Love is. Laying everything out on the table just because it's true does not guarantee love. Scripture enjoins us to speak the truth in love. If the facts are correct but the heart isn't, it's not God's definition of truth. You should avoid using correct facts without correct love. That's a weapon, not a tool. If you know something's going to hurt the other, be very, very sure it's ultimately redemptive. This takes great inner discipline and compassion. Always check your true motives in such a case. 

In Phillipians it says, "in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."  I am striving to clash with the self-centered, consumer-driven culture we live in.  It begins with the smallest of practices each day and grows from there.  I in no means have mastered the art of peacemaking, but I am on a pursuit to love others the way Jesus did . . . to respond to the one in front of me with His compassion.


According to Heidi Baker, missionary in Mozambique, "true happiness flows from responding in the opposite spirit of what is expected by the world's standards."  I want to get to the place that I naturally respond to others with selfless love - that their needs and feelings truly are more important in my eyes.  I've already had the privilege to put these principles in practice several times over the last year and the peace I have as a result is like nothing I have ever experienced.  It was gut-wrenching at first, holding my tongue and overlooking the insults, but it no longer takes the effort it once did.  I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the victory and I pray that you also walk in the abundant life that He has for you.  Practice makes perfect so let's commit to the journey together. 


As St. Francis of Assisi said,
          
          "Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace that, where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that, where there is error, I may bring truth; that, where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that, where there is despair, I may bring hope; that, where there is sadness, I may bring joy.  Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood; to love than to be loved; for it is by forgetting self that one finds; it is forgiving that one is forgiven; it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
  

The Lost Art of Repentance

How often we make excuses: I had a hard day at work, I have a headache, I didn’t get enough sleep last night, they were rude to me first, I was abused as a child, my parents were the same way so I just inherited it, everyone does it.  These things may be true, but God does not sympathize with sin . . . no matter what the cause or reason.  He is a compassionate God and understands our handicaps but He doesn’t want them to prevent us from living a victorious life. 

Sin separates us from God and quenches the Holy Spirit in our life.  There may be reasons for why we act a certain way but we can’t allow these to be our excuses.  We must cast down every imagination that sets itself up against God and take captive every thought and make it obedient to Jesus Christ.  We must be obedient in the small things before we will gain victory over the larger struggles in our life.  He who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much. 

We must get to the point that we are not content in our sin – it cannot be acceptable to us because it is not acceptable to God.  We are to be sanctified daily.  It’s one of the great lies of the enemy when he justifies our behavior that displeases the Lord.  This does not mean we walk in condemnation, but we must walk in surrender.  Scripture says, “Be holy therefore because I am holy.”  He will help us accomplish this if we simply acknowledge our sin and repent.  It is a process . . . but a beautiful one that leads us into victory.  We are deceiving ourselves to think it is better to remain the way we are – Christians are not to blend in with the world.  We should stand out as different.  If we were really walking in the truth of His Word, everyone would be drawn to us and want what we have.

Walk in integrity.  Let the Holy Spirit change you.  Though the process can be painful, you will soon find out it is life-giving.  Like an amputation that is required to save an individual’s life, the loss is painful but critical.  Let God cut away the dead and destructive things in your life.  Use your tongue for life and not death.  Let us say only that which is helpful for building each other up.

I have finally found a place where I want the Lord to chasten me.  I want His correction because I know greater peace and victory lie on the other side of my repentance.  The change that results is good for me and glorifies my maker.

Let’s not stop striving for perfection.  If we struggle with an unholy pattern of thought or behavior, let us pursue Him until He helps us change . . . and get whatever help we need to attain victory.  Our God is faithful.  He promises that “when we seek Him we will find Him IF we seek Him with all of our heart.”  He will never leave us or forsake us – no matter how many times we mess up, He will never give up on us.  His mercies are new every morning.  Let’s seek Him and not let go until we get a breakthrough . . . like Jacob did.  He wrestled with the angel and persevered, refusing to give up, so God blessed him.  Sometimes these encounters leave us with a limp but I’d rather encounter God and walk with a limp than operate in my own strength and fail.

Remember, “it’s His kindness that leads us to repentance.”  Any voice that brings shame is not from the Lord.  Allow Him to convict you and then respond to His leading, but do not allow the enemy to beat you up with a record of your past sins or continued failures.  The blood of Jesus purifies us; we are new creations in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come.

Continue to renew your mind daily with God’s Word and call upon His name and He will save you.  He will never fail you.  His voice is one of peace, so any voice that brings anxiety, doubt, or fear is not from Him.  Rest in the faithfulness of our God and look expectantly for His hand of blessing.  Remember that though the process may be painful, it is His pruning that leads us to bear much fruit.  Don’t settle for less than God’s best – don’t settle for the standards of this world.  God has more in mind for you – search Him until you find and attain your destiny in Christ.  This begins with repentance.  

Let’s stop making excuses.  Let’s throw off everything that hinders and entangles and run the race as if we are running to win the prize.  We may not be ready to run a marathon yet but let’s start training.  We may be sore and short of breath as we begin but we will get stronger as we go.  We are co-laborers with Christ so He will come along side us and give us the strength we need each day to overcome all obstacles.

Let the Lord have His way with you – you will never regret it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Matthew 5:6