Not long ago, I came across the scripture in Romans that says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." I stopped and read it again. According to this scripture, it was my calling and responsibility as a believer to be a peacemaker. I, however, was in the habit of appeasing my flesh - seeking to be heard and get my way (though I wouldn't have admitted that). Though there are sometimes factors outside our control that prevent us from reconciling a relationship (we can't make everyone happy all the time), I was to do ALL I could do to make peace . . . and then leave the outcome in the Lord's hands.
This scripture in Romans began a journey for me that literally changed my life. It led me through a process of introspection concerning the way I talk to and treat other people. The Lord started pointing out other scriptures that I certainly knew, but wasn't living by. For example, the scripture in James that says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." I usually did a lot more talking than listening. Then there are the two in Proverbs: "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" and "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." I wasn't in the habit of overlooking insults; I had a lot of experience defending myself.
Then of course there is 1 Corinthians 13, the "love" chapter often quoted at weddings. When I truly examined these scriptures, I realized I wasn't walking in love at all, at least not like Jesus taught us to. If love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, and is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. . . then I had a lot of work to do. I needed to learn how to hold my tongue and respond to others with sacrificial love, even when I was hurt and angry and when they didn't deserve it. After all, isn't that what offering mercy is all about? As I was reading these scriptures, I started to realize how self-centered I was. Oh man, I had a lot of learning to do.
This is where my dad comes in. He offered me some advice and I want to share his words with you.
Healing requires giving up the right to be right on both sides. There will be no healthy relationship if things deteriorate to a win-lose contest. It's fantasy to think conflict can be completely traced to one party. Each of you must look inward before outward. Each must identify, own and deal with personal responsibilities for what's happened, even if specifics seem minor. What's little to one can be major to the other. If something is important at all to the other, it must be honored.
It seems another indispensable is the empathy to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pain can be jealous for itself, wanting to hog all the emotion and focus from a single perspective. Whatever exercise or conversation you can have that will help you feel the other's pain, and them feel yours, will be prerequisite. You do not want to have a debate, where the goal is to superimpose a conclusion on another by reason alone. Sometimes feelings are more important than facts. If you can cry for each other instead of because of each other, you'll relate in the spirit of Christ and be closer to the heart of the matter.
Truth is not the highest value. Love is. Laying everything out on the table just because it's true does not guarantee love. Scripture enjoins us to speak the truth in love. If the facts are correct but the heart isn't, it's not God's definition of truth. You should avoid using correct facts without correct love. That's a weapon, not a tool. If you know something's going to hurt the other, be very, very sure it's ultimately redemptive. This takes great inner discipline and compassion. Always check your true motives in such a case.In Phillipians it says, "in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." I am striving to clash with the self-centered, consumer-driven culture we live in. It begins with the smallest of practices each day and grows from there. I in no means have mastered the art of peacemaking, but I am on a pursuit to love others the way Jesus did . . . to respond to the one in front of me with His compassion.
According to Heidi Baker, missionary in Mozambique, "true happiness flows from responding in the opposite spirit of what is expected by the world's standards." I want to get to the place that I naturally respond to others with selfless love - that their needs and feelings truly are more important in my eyes. I've already had the privilege to put these principles in practice several times over the last year and the peace I have as a result is like nothing I have ever experienced. It was gut-wrenching at first, holding my tongue and overlooking the insults, but it no longer takes the effort it once did. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the victory and I pray that you also walk in the abundant life that He has for you. Practice makes perfect so let's commit to the journey together.
As St. Francis of Assisi said,
"Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace that, where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that, where there is error, I may bring truth; that, where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that, where there is despair, I may bring hope; that, where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood; to love than to be loved; for it is by forgetting self that one finds; it is forgiving that one is forgiven; it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."
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