A TRIBUTE TO MY FATHER BRIAN CONNOR - REFLECTIONS ON HIS LIFE AND DEATH

It is hard to find the words to describe the true essence and character of my father Brian Connor.  He touched so many people in his lifetime with Christ’s love, and this was his greatest joy.  We know his memory will live on and his legacy will resonate through the lives of many people. 

Brian used to call me his angel and Amy his princess.  Ever since we were children, he told us we could be anything we set our hearts on.  He told us to shoot for the stars and never settle for less than the best.  He was our biggest fan in our successes and our biggest advocate when we faced challenges along the way.  I knew I was deeply loved and that I could tell my dad anything – I always felt safe and secure.  My dad’s steadfast love formed a strong foundation from which I grew into my true identity in Christ, while the balance of healthy boundaries and freedoms he set allowed me to spread my wings in this world.  I am eternally grateful to God for such a loving and devoted father, and his lasting imprint on my life.

Brian was a man who loved a good practical joke.  Whether it was putting bang snaps under his secretary’s toilet seat, putting sardines in Amy’s sandwich when packing her school lunch, or rubber banding the water spray in the kitchen sink so that the first person that turned it on in the morning got squirted, he had a free spirit that longed to engage life with a smile.  To my surprise, he burst out in laughter the first time I got sent to the principal’s office – I think it reminded him too well of his own childhood endeavors.  My favorite bedtime stories were about the mischief he got into growing up and all his boyhood shenanigans.  My dad was in no way a “stuffy” religious leader; rather, he was a man that knew the value of a good laugh and how to create an environment of joy. 

I remember the time my dad found out I skipped school with a friend to avoid standardized testing.  He called me into his room and asked me if I was at school.  I initially struggled with what to say but decided I should be honest so I told him “no.”  To my surprise, he responded, “Okay Carey.  You are a good student and I don’t care if you skip once in a while as long as you are always honest with me.”  It was grace in situations like this that proved I could trust him to look out for my best interests while also letting me engage life to the fullest.  Not once did I feel I was raised in a legalistic home of rules or “holy” expectations.  Church and “religion” were never forced upon me; instead, a genuine love, joy, and grace were simply modeled to me through the rhythms of life.

My dad loved to spend time with his friends and family.  He would occasionally take me out of school to “play hooky” and go fishing with him (while excusing the absence to the school due to a “family affair”).  Amy and I gladly shared his favorite pastimes with him: crabbing and fishing at Folly beach, camping in rustic cabins in the woods, going to baseball games, watching football on Sunday afternoons, night shrimping (as he taught us how to throw a cast net), or taking the boat out to picnic and collect shark teeth.  I even remember as a child, my dad taking us in his boat to an island and teaching us how to shoot his shotgun at cans he set up in the distance.  My dad enjoyed doing these things with us and once said to me that if he had sons instead of daughters, they probably wouldn’t have been as much fun.

As a child, I never knew who would be living in our guest bedroom or joining us for holidays.  The wounded, broken, and misunderstood found unconditional love and refuge in Brian’s home and office.  He welcomed all just as they were, with open arms and an open heart.

Brian modeled his life and ministry after the good shepherd who protected his flock from the wolf and was willing to lay down his life for them (John 10:11).  My dad felt called to help people in spiritual bondage find freedom and wholeness in Christ.  As a result, there were many times the enemy threatened us; however, my parents refused to bow under the intimidation of evil.  They took God at His Word and didn’t allow the seeds of fear to take root.  God honored their child-like faith and surrender and faithfully protected our family while they loved and ministered to people right where they were, in the midst of their darkness.  

When learning about the realities of evil in this world as a teenager, I remember confronting my dad with my concerns and fears.  His response to me was, “Carey, someone has to take a stand against it . . . and it is something worth dying for.”  He knew wholeheartedly he was in God’s hands; nevertheless, he was willing to suffer loss for the sake of others. The question was never whether God’s light was strong enough to overcome the darkness; the question was (and still is) whether or not we will let our lights shine. Brian carried the light of Christ into environments where others refused to go.

My dad used to tell me that love was a higher calling than truth.  Though both are important, Brian lived his life with love as his highest value, and he extended that love without judgment to all who crossed his path.  As the pastor spoke as his graveside, Brian lived a “hesed” love.  Hesed is a Hebrew word that means enduring, eternal, unfailing love that is demonstrated through action.  Whether we are walking in God’s perfect will or simply His permissive will, God always examines our heart behind our behavior.  My dad served the Lord with all his heart and always sought to please Him, no matter what the cost.

While reflecting on my father’s death, I came across the song “Blessings” by Laura Story.  The words say, “What if God’s blessings come through raindrops, what if His healing comes through tears, and what if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know He’s near?  What if the trials in this life are God’s mercies in disguise?  What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of the greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?  When friends betray us and when darkness seems to win, the pain reminds our heart that this is not our home.”  I am grateful that even in our present loss and mourning, we are blessed (Matthew 5:4).  God’s presence and comfort are near.

Though it is normal to grieve my father’s passing, I am reminded in Philippians 1:21 that death is not a tragic end.  Paul says, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”  Paul then goes on to state it is far better to depart and be with Christ.  We must remember that God’s nature is infinitely good – He can’t be anything contrary to this.  God proved this when, while we were sinners, He sent His only son to die for us.  So if God is always good, then we can be sure that even death can be a gift.  We are rescued from our suffering and the evils in this world and made whole as we are taken to a place of abundant peace and joy.  I truly don’t feel the sting of my father’s death as much as I feel the victory in it.  Because I know God to be a giver and not a taker, I know even in my father’s death, God is the author of life and the giver of good gifts.  As my sister recently put it, Brian “is more alive now than ever.”

As it says in 1 Corinthians 15:54, “When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory.’”  I am rejoicing in my father’s homecoming with the Lord, where his true citizenship subsides (Philippians 3:20).  Our father was healed of his cancer; he just got his healing on the other side. 

In all things we will give thanks . . . even in this.

Hidden Dangers of Facebook

I signed up for Facebook (FB) after my son was born in 2008.  I thought it was fabulous, connecting with old friends and sharing pictures of our families with each other.  However, I started to receive friend requests from people I barely knew, mere acquaintances from high school or friends of my friends.  It seemed harmless to accept their requests (and to be honest, I was mildly curious what they looked like these days).  Before long, my newsfeed page was covered with posts from people that weren’t even my friends.  I honestly could care less about their political opinions or what they ate for dinner, but somehow I ended up spending my time thumbing through all these posts.  At times, I even felt an unspoken pressure to “like” other peoples’ posts out of concern they may be offended or hurt if I didn’t. 

Over time I realized something else was happening.  I loved sharing inspirational quotes from the Christian books I was reading.  I often received positive feedback or “likes” when I would post them.  However, without my consciously realizing it, the amount of feedback I got (or lack of) started to influence me.  I felt special and affirmed when I got a lot of responses and slightly deflated when I didn’t.  Overall I believe I am a fairly secure person, so it was ever so subtle, but damaging nonetheless.

For the longest time, I didn’t think FB was a problem for me because I typically only spent about 45 minutes a day on it.  Though the total amount of time on FB was limited, I found myself checking my FB page multiple times a day (either on my home computer or on my phone).  Any time I had a few minutes to spare, I would thumb through the newsfeed page.  Without realizing it, FB became my time filler . . . even when I didn’t have extra time to fill.  One day it hit me that my son had been asking me to play with him over and over, and I kept putting him off because I was on FB.  I knew something had to give.  

In attempt to separate myself from any FB addiction or unhealthy influence it had on me, I decided to “fast” FB for a month.  It happened to be March of 2013 and was lent season – and the last day of the month was Easter.  How appropriate.  What I didn’t expect was how significant this month would play in identifying the problems at hand. 

1)    Not until I fasted FB did I realize it had become a compulsion.  I was naturally migrating to it when I had any extra time.  The fact that I didn’t spend an enormous amount of time on it in the day doesn’t negate its’ negative effects.  (Though 45 min a day adds up to about 22 hours a month – that is a significant amount of time!)  During my fast, I got projects done and things organized in my home, I spent more time playing with my son, and I spent more time reading things that actually mattered.  I didn’t realize how much FB robbed me of the precious little moments throughout the day.  Because I was using my extra minutes on FB, I rarely stopped long enough to pay attention to God’s voice and to those around me that craved my undivided attention.

2)    It took some prayer and introspection, but I had to admit that I really liked the positive attention from others on FB.  This is not innately bad, but when it replaces the affirmation of our heavenly Father and begins to influence what we think about ourselves, then it has to go.  It doesn’t matter if it is an encouraging quote or article, if I am even partially shaping my identity through the responses from other people on FB then it is not beneficial.

3)    I realized that FB was creating a false sense of community.  Because I was interacting with others regularly via posts and “likes,” it felt like we were connecting.  However, in reality it was a poor substitute for the real thing.  Though it can be beautiful to connect with out-of-town family and friends this way, it should not be our main means of connecting with the people we love.  I found myself accepting an abbreviated response on FB as a substitute for real relationship.  I believe we all need to “do life” with each other (which is far more than an electronic relationship) and that we are vulnerable outside of true community.  You can be very active on FB and yet still living in isolation.  In my opinion, true friendships cannot be formed and maintained on FB because a false self is often presented (an image of how you want to be perceived, which doesn't always match up with the true you).  

4)    I had succumbed to electronic entertainment – focusing my attention on mindless and meaningless activities.  Without realizing it, these electronics had distracted and desensitized me from the more important things in life.  It was during the FB fast that I also realized I needed to give up Words With Friends.  Once again, though I didn’t spend an enormous amount of time on the game, I was constantly checking my phone throughout the day to play a word.  It simply does not need to be the first and last thing I do every day.  What we spend the most time on is ultimately what we value the most, so truth be told, FB had become an idol. 

I realized it was extremely important for me to make some changes.  I didn’t feel it was necessary to deactivate my FB account because I don’t think everything about FB is bad.  The question was if I could maintain a balance with FB without being sucked into the negative aspects of it. 

1)    I decided to take the FB and Words With Friends App off my phone so I couldn’t check it when away from the house. 

2)    I decided to limit myself to 10 or 15 minutes a day on FB (though I am not going to be legalistic about this time limit – it is merely a guideline).  I am way too busy and have too many more important things to do than spend my time on FB.  Before getting on FB I will ask myself if there is something more important that needs to be done (cooking, cleaning, planning, phone calls, emails, etc) and choose wisely how I use my time.  If I find it too difficult to limit my time on FB, then this is a sign of addiction and I need to shut it down all together.

3)    I set filters on my FB newsfeed so I didn’t spend time reading posts from people I didn’t really know.  If I was going to look at FB then I wanted that time to be somewhat meaningful.

4)    I made up my mind not to spend time on my electronics over spending my time with my family and friends. I have chosen to invest in true community and not the mere appearance of it.  Furthermore, if my son asks for my attention while I am “playing” on my phone or computer, I will get off and spend time with him.  Those moments will pass me by too quickly and I don’t want to miss out on them.

5)    Lastly, I decided I wasn’t going to post any more inspirational quotes (at least for a season).  Even if they were encouraging others, I recognized the ‘likes’ and positive responses I received were “puffing me up.”  I don’t need that.  I want to find my affirmation fully and completely in God’s perspective of me.  If I find FB building up my identity or tearing it down, then it may be necessary to shut down my account altogether.  God should be my guide and affirmation.  The number of “likes” received does not define me as an individual and is not a reflection of my self-worth.  Oh this subtle danger!

Please understand I am not condemning anyone for their choices regarding FB.  I do not believe FB is innately bad, but I believe it can be bad depending on what value it holds in your life.  I am simply sharing my journey and what I have learned over the last year.  Maybe it is applicable to you and maybe it isn’t. 

If you feel FB may be a problem then pray about it or maybe take some time off from it.  As it says in Psalm 36:9, “In His light we see light.”  He will shine His light upon the situation if you simply stop and give Him the opportunity.  Though I had consecrated myself to the Lord, it was the consecration of my time that I lacked.  My FB “fast” brought me to this realization and helped me establish some healthy guidelines in this area.  We must take an inventory of our time and choose wisely.  Life is too precious.